Have you had lunch yet?  No?  Well, finish up that bowl of chili and that chocolate milkshake before continuing.  Those wacky scientists at BioSafe Engineering have come up with a fool-proof way to prevent the recently dead from becoming zombies. Take a look at that photo on the left.  That-there steel tube is a genuine, bona fide, electrified, high-pressure, heated, automatic, body liquifier. Liquifier!

Still with us?  The device uses lye, 60 pounds of pressure and 300 degree heat within an escape-proof steel chamber to break down the human body into a "brownish, syrupy residue" with the consistency of motor oil and a strong ammonia smell.  Nice!

No funeral homes yet offer the service but one company in New Hampshire is trying to get regulatory approval. 

 Let's face it, you suck.  No really.  Your mom took care of you and raised you into the fine, strapping, well-adjusted, zombie-hunting person you are today.  But, on Mother's Day all you did was send her was an ecard from a crappy web site that  can't even be bothered to provide daily updates?

Sorry.  That was completely uncalled for.  Our accountants have informed us that the smart, thoughtful and, yes, good looking visitors to our site have provided us with dozens of dollars by clicking on the Amazon links on the right side of the page -- Probably to provide their mother, who gave so much, a little happiness on this special day.

Today's zombie card illustration was created by Joey (6 years old) son of Barbara in our Human Resources department.  Good job, Joey!  You captured your Mom's inner beauty.

You've been asking us.  You've been begging us.  Well, finally Ifyouwereazombie.com is willing to go out on a limb and endorse a candidate for this year's presidential election.  We know, you're surprised.  Given our general approval of zombie eradication  and eagerness for a strong zombie defense, why the heck would we endorse a Zombie Party candidate?

We don't have anything against McCain, Obama or Clinton.  Well, ok we do.  But it isn't personal.  Ok fine.  It is personal.  We simply feel that Zombie Lincoln is a candidate with more integrity, honesty, and braaaains.  That's it.

Sure, the Zombie Party has a huge advertising budget and has been purchasing large blocks of banner ads from major zombie-related web sites.  But that really has nothing to do with this.  The media has a duty to prolong report on the political campaign and provide an outlet for all well-funded political parties to connect with voters.

Vote early.  Vote often.  Vote Zombie Lincoln.

They're at it again and it makes our blood boil.  As if impending doom from the undead wasn't bad enough, the TV show "It's Alive" from Pittsburg, PA seem to think celebrating the occasion is a good idea. 

Organizer Mark Menold says, "I like it when 10 people show up somewhere and just shamble around for no reason".  Sure, they used the inapproriate event to collect canned food for charity, but this has irresponsible written all over it.   If people get used to recieving food from zombies they might start to lose their fear.  The last thing we need is for kids to think of zombies as some kind of a smelly, decaying, Santa Claus of Spaghettios and  creamed corn.

We're sure Mark will be one of the first victims of the next outbreak as he bravely walks up to the nearest Zombie and gives it a big hug.  So why the calendar photo?  Well, Lala is just stunning to look at, but if you go buy her calendar you'll have somewhere to mark down "World Zombie Day" coming October 26.  We'll have more info as the date gets closer.

 "All I can say is, "It's about friggin' time! The site is well designed, clever, funny as hell, and has great content!  Overall, well organized! But...  The ECards!! There needs to be more!" 

Well, what can we say.  We're blushing from praise while we beat ourselves up in a mildly disturbing reenactment of scenes from Fight Club.  Here's the problem: all of us at IYWAZ spend our days digging entrenchments, building barricades and shopping for armageddon-size 30 gallon jugs of mustard from Costco.  Once all this grunt work is done there's little time left to create new cards.

So, we need your help.  If you have a clever idea or, even better, some Photoshop chops This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .  If we like them, we'll put them up along with a credit/link to your site.  If we don't like them we'll either taunt you mercilessly or even worse, ignore you completely.  Either way, it's a win for us. 

Here are some guidelines:

1. Cards must be 500 pixels by 348 pixels
2. If your card meets our high standards (and if we bother to check the mail) your card will be proudly displayed and available for others to send.
3. Keep in mind the tone we want.  Cards should be sappy and earnest or informative.  We want to help people get through this crisis and make them feel better about their impending doom.
4. You won't recieve any compensation other than our sincere thanks, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the inclusion of your name and web site URL on the card.
5. You must have the legal right to distribute any artwork in the card in ecard format. Please note that most stock illustrations and photo agreements prohibit distribution in ecard format.
6. By submitting a card you acknowledge that you have given ifyouwereazombie.com the right to use the image on the website, in promotional materials and other mediums as we see fit. (We aren't total jerks though. If we use your card to create merchandise you will be compensated in a manner that ifyouwerazombie.com determines is fair. That means if we make any profit on your work, you'll get some type of compensation. Honestly though, only about 20 people will ever see this site so don't start buying materials for that zombie-proof bunker just yet...)

Oh, that cow is pissed!  Do you know why?  No, it isn't because he knows how tasty he would be fried up between two pieces of bread.  He's just learned that he's likely to get all zombie-like. 

A new varient of bovine spongiform encephalitis (mad cow disease) is related to a disease in humans called Variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.  Take a look at some of the human symptoms and let me know if they look familiar:

• Changes in Gait (walking)
• Lack of coordination
• Muscle twitching and stiffness
• Profound confusion and disorientation
• Rapid delirium or dementia
• Speech impairment

Did you figure it out? No?  Have you looked at the name of the site?  Yes... that's right... zombies.  Good job.  Do you have the rest of the symptoms or just the confusion one?

Infections have been reported in those who have recieved corneal transplants or growth hormone from infected cadavers.  It isn't yet clear whether an infected cow can pass this on to humans by being so damn delicious, but keep an eye on the people stumbling out of the local burger joint.

If you own a cat could you raise your hand?  That many? Ok, could all of you just look at the cute kitty picture on the left for a minute?  Thanks.  We'll let you know when you can come back.  Are they all gone?  Great.

We need to make some plans because it turns out that cats carry a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii that just might cause a mild form of zombism in humans. 

Normally a rat will avoid feline smells.  However once it has been infected the rat foolishly seeks out cat odors thus allowing an easy, if messy, way for Toxoplasma gondii to travel back into its preferred pussy breeding ground.

It doesn't stop with cats though.  Some scientists have found that this same parasite infects human cat owners and may actually change the personality of the human hosts.  Men become jealous and suspicious, women more outgoing and warm.   Doctors already warn pregnant women to forgo changing the kitty-litter because of a suspected link between Toxoplasma and schizophrenia in children.

Remember all those people who had their hands raised.  When the zombie attacks start make sure you tell your cat hair covered neighbors that they're on their own.

Hey, cat people.  You can come back now.  We were just talking about how much we like you and your cats.  Yes.  Animals that poop in the house are adorable. Really.

Prestigious Archaeology Magazine has posted research detailing evidence of a zombie outbreak in ancient Egypt near Hierakonpolis  approximately 5000 years ago.  Yes, Archaeology Magazine!  Remember their biting expose when the statue of Hadrian was unearthed at Sagalassos?  When we think of all the fun we've had reading this publication... wow.  Good times, good times.

Preliminary evidence points to the Solanum virus, as many skeletons have been unearthed sans heads.  Curious glyphs on the famous Palette of Narmer (apparently carved by the ancient scribe Steve Narmer also of Hierakonpolis) show stacked headless bodies and zombie-fighting weapons.

Archeological teams on-site are taking steps to train their people in zombie fighting techniques just in case a viable virus is unearthed.  One team member is reportedly eager to start lopping off heads, bringing great comfort to his comrades.  We'll have more information as it develops.

We get plenty of comments from you, our readers, but now we're just blushing at the ovewhelmingly positive communication. 

To celebrate we recently treated our entire support staff to cake (with milk!).  As you can see in the photo of the joyous occasion to the left, the cake was shaped like a little village under attack from gummy zombies.  We think you can see from their expressions that the entire staff was having a great time!

Some of the highlights:

Recently, reader Schimmy147 commented on the usefulness of our RSS Feeds and commenting system and had a very rewarding online conversation with our support staff:

  "I'm very much interested in zombies and zombie-culture... click through just to read this valuable information" and "I think... I... stay interested in... every single word you post here about zombies..."

"All hail our new zombie overlords"

"You've got a great design..."

"Adorable! :-)"

And of course we've recieved thousands of emails from our newsletter recipients asking for more information about "unsubscribing".  We've heard you!  We'll soon be sending out a daily newsletter dealing with just this topic!  Thanks again! Now, who wants a piece of cake?

Vertibird pointed out this t-shirt design from threadless.com.  Clearly this is poorly thought out.  It is well established that Zombies don't actually need to eat but just have an instinctual need to bite and infect other humans. Thankfully, Threadless has another zombie shirt that is actually useful and informative.

We know some of the "collectors" out there (We're looking at you, Jules) like to treat their captive zombies as some kind of undead Tamagotchi and feed them on a regular basis.  This is really just a messy waste of time and may lead to distended or even ruptured abdomens.  But, hey, if it makes you happy we aren't here to judge.

None of the team here in the spacious IYWAZ tower is a big fan of zombie movies or excessive gore.  Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate some gore if the story warrants it-for example; Robocop needed the excessive blood to set the tone for the over-the-top, comic-book nature of the film.  Saving Private Ryan wouldn't have been as engaging if the first scene featured a GI storming the beach, randomly clutching his chest and lying on his back with his feet in the air.

Continued after the jump 

Like WWII movies, zombie films are a dime-a-dozen.  Everyone is so familiar with the real-life history involved that they practically write themselves. 

 Actual WWII footage suffers from grainy, black-and-white film stock so you rarely see actual footage used anymore.  Zombie films deal with a contemporary crisis and have the advantage of thousands of teams of professional news and amateur photographers.

The 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead is one of the few examples of actual zombie footage used in a fictional zombie movie.  

Some have argued that using this real footage so soon after the real-life events was exploitive, but it got the point across even if the rest of the movie contained common fallacies.

Take a look at the (slightly disturbing) clip of the film's compelling opening above.  Even if you don't like the content, you can't argue with the use of Johnny Cash.