Face Reality, Send a Card

Zombies. They’re a pain. They’re annoying. They aren’t going away anytime soon. It’s a sad truth-- the epidemic is spreading. Chances are someone you care about will become a zombie.

Tell them how you feel BEFORE they start moaning and shuffling, with our convenient greeting cards. Let them know that if you see their zombified corpse, you’ll feel bad when you put a slug through their brainpan.

Because, once they’re a zombie, it’s too late to say you care... Send a Card

What to do? Read our blog.

Holy cow! The dead are walking around! What should you do? How do you destroy a zombie? Does garlic work? How about a cross? We’ve gathered the foremost experts in undead combat to help you survive the gathering horde. Read our tips now, because later might be... ummm... too late. Read
 
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Ifyouwereazombie.com would not exist without our loyal readers. If you are also concerned about Global Swarming, have news, or just have a question about zombies we can answer in the blog, let us know at comments@ifyouwereazombie.com.

We welcome all ideas, suggestions, and cool, hard cash. Let us know what you think.




News

Human Pressure Cooker Prevents Zombie Transmogrification Have you had lunch yet?  No?  Well, finish up that bowl of chili and that chocolate milkshake before continuing.  Those wacky scientists at BioSafe Engineering have come up with a fool-proof way to prevent the recently dead from becoming zombies. Take a look at that photo on the left.  That-there steel tube is a genuine, bona fide, electrified, high-pressure, heated, automatic, body liquifier. Liquifier!

Still with us?  The device uses lye, 60 pounds of pressure and 300 degree heat within an escape-proof steel chamber to break down the human body into a "brownish, syrupy residue" with the consistency of motor oil and a strong ammonia smell.  Nice!

No funeral homes yet offer the service but one company in New Hampshire is trying to get regulatory approval. 

Cards

Happy Zombie-Free Mother's Day Let's face it, you suck.  No really.  Your mom took care of you and raised you into the fine, strapping, well-adjusted, zombie-hunting person you are today.  But, on Mother's Day all you did was send her was an ecard from a crappy web site that  can't even be bothered to provide daily updates?

Sorry.  That was completely uncalled for.  Our accountants have informed us that the smart, thoughtful and, yes, good looking visitors to our site have provided us with dozens of dollars by clicking on the Amazon links on the right side of the page -- Probably to provide their mother, who gave so much, a little happiness on this special day.

Today's zombie card illustration was created by Joey (6 years old) son of Barbara in our Human Resources department.  Good job, Joey!  You captured your Mom's inner beauty.

PoliticsCards

Zombie Lincoln for PresidentYou've been asking us.  You've been begging us.  Well, finally Ifyouwereazombie.com is willing to go out on a limb and endorse a candidate for this year's presidential election.  We know, you're surprised.  Given our general approval of zombie eradication  and eagerness for a strong zombie defense, why the heck would we endorse a Zombie Party candidate?

We don't have anything against McCain, Obama or Clinton.  Well, ok we do.  But it isn't personal.  Ok fine.  It is personal.  We simply feel that Zombie Lincoln is a candidate with more integrity, honesty, and braaaains.  That's it.

Sure, the Zombie Party has a huge advertising budget and has been purchasing large blocks of banner ads from major zombie-related web sites.  But that really has nothing to do with this.  The media has a duty to prolong report on the political campaign and provide an outlet for all well-funded political parties to connect with voters.

Vote early.  Vote often.  Vote Zombie Lincoln.

News

They're at it again and it makes our blood boil.  As if impending doom from the undead wasn't bad enough, the TV show "It's Alive" from Pittsburg, PA seem to think celebrating the occasion is a good idea. 

Organizer Mark Menold says, "I like it when 10 people show up somewhere and just shamble around for no reason".  Sure, they used the inapproriate event to collect canned food for charity, but this has irresponsible written all over it.   If people get used to recieving food from zombies they might start to lose their fear.  The last thing we need is for kids to think of zombies as some kind of a smelly, decaying, Santa Claus of Spaghettios and  creamed corn.

We're sure Mark will be one of the first victims of the next outbreak as he bravely walks up to the nearest Zombie and gives it a big hug.  So why the calendar photo?  Well, Lala is just stunning to look at, but if you go buy her calendar you'll have somewhere to mark down "World Zombie Day" coming October 26.  We'll have more info as the date gets closer.

LettersCards

   Reader Tishia writes,  
 "All I can say is, "It's about friggin' time! The site is well designed, clever, funny as hell, and has great content!  Overall, well organized! But...  The ECards!! There needs to be more!" 

Well, what can we say.  We're blushing from praise while we beat ourselves up in a mildly disturbing reenactment of scenes from Fight Club.  Here's the problem: all of us at IYWAZ spend our days digging entrenchments, building barricades and shopping for armageddon-size 30 gallon jugs of mustard from Costco.  Once all this grunt work is done there's little time left to create new cards.

So, we need your help.  If you have a clever idea or, even better, some Photoshop chops This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .  If we like them, we'll put them up along with a credit/link to your site.  If we don't like them we'll either taunt you mercilessly or even worse, ignore you completely.  Either way, it's a win for us. 

Here are some guidelines:

  1. Cards must be 500 pixels by 348 pixels
  2. If your card meets our high standards (and if we bother to check the mail) your card will be proudly displayed and available for others to send.
  3. Keep in mind the tone we want.  Cards should be sappy and earnest or informative.  We want to help people get through this crisis and make them feel better about their impending doom.
  4. You won't recieve any compensation other than our sincere thanks, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the inclusion of your name and web site URL on the card.
  5. You must have the legal right to distribute any artwork in the card in ecard format. Please note that most stock illustrations and photo agreements prohibit distribution in ecard format.
  6. By submitting a card you acknowledge that you have given ifyouwereazombie.com the right to use the image on the website, in promotional materials and other mediums as we see fit. (We aren't total jerks though. If we use your card to create merchandise you will be compensated in a manner that ifyouwerazombie.com determines is fair. That means if we make any profit on your work, you'll get some type of compensation. Honestly though, only about 20 people will ever see this site so don't start buying materials for that zombie-proof bunker just yet...)

TipsDefense

If you are looking for a place to ride out the coming zombie apocalypse/ global swarming epidemic what could be better than scenic Caminito del Rey in Malaga, Spain.  The path was built in 1901 for workers to transport materials in the construction of a dam but has since fallen into a state of disrepair that makes a perfect place to hide from both the undead and collection agencies.  Just try to watch this video without feeling a touch of "High Anxiety".

TipsNews

Mad CowOh, that cow is pissed!  Do you know why?  No, it isn't because he knows how tasty he would be fried up between two pieces of bread.  He's just learned that he's likely to get all zombie-like. 

A new varient of bovine spongiform encephalitis (mad cow disease) is related to a disease in humans called Variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.  Take a look at some of the human symptoms and let me know if they look familiar:

  • Changes in Gait (walking)
  • Lack of coordination
  • Muscle twitching and stiffness
  • Profound confusion and disorientation
  • Rapid delirium or dementia
  • Speech impairment

Did you figure it out? No?  Have you looked at the name of the site?  Yes... that's right... zombies.  Good job.  Do you have the rest of the symptoms or just the confusion one?

Infections have been reported in those who have recieved corneal transplants or growth hormone from infected cadavers.  It isn't yet clear whether an infected cow can pass this on to humans by being so damn delicious, but keep an eye on the people stumbling out of the local burger joint.

Cards

Zombie Sympathy CardDo you know someone infected with the zombie virus? There's no cure and they only have hours left.  At least you can give them false hope while they spend their last minutes checking their email.  While you're at it, why don't you suggest they buy something from the Amazon links to the right.  Those poor UPS men...

Cards

Zombie Easter Bunny CardWow, who knew that so many people needed a zombie Easter card?  For those who harbor fears of undead lagomorpha that distribute chicken embryos while feasting on the occasional brain... well this card is for both of you.

TipsNews

zombie_kitty.jpgIf you own a cat could you raise your hand?  That many? Ok, could all of you just look at the cute kitty picture on the left for a minute?  Thanks.  We'll let you know when you can come back.  Are they all gone?  Great.

We need to make some plans because it turns out that cats carry a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii that just might cause a mild form of zombism in humans. 

Normally a rat will avoid feline smells.  However once it has been infected the rat foolishly seeks out cat odors thus allowing an easy, if messy, way for Toxoplasma gondii to travel back into its preferred pussy breeding ground.

It doesn't stop with cats though.  Some scientists have found that this same parasite infects human cat owners and may actually change the personality of the human hosts.  Men become jealous and suspicious, women more outgoing and warm.   Doctors already warn pregnant women to forgo changing the kitty-litter because of a suspected link between Toxoplasma and schizophrenia in children.

Remember all those people who had their hands raised.  When the zombie attacks start make sure you tell your cat hair covered neighbors that they're on their own.

Hey, cat people.  You can come back now.  We were just talking about how much we like you and your cats.  Yes.  Animals that poop in the house are adorable. Really.

News

Zombie Trowel TechniquePrestigious Archaeology Magazine has posted research detailing evidence of a zombie outbreak in ancient Egypt near Hierakonpolis  approximately 5000 years ago.  Yes, Archaeology Magazine!  Remember their biting expose when the statue of Hadrian was unearthed at Sagalassos?  When we think of all the fun we've had reading this publication... wow.  Good times, good times.

Preliminary evidence points to the Solanum virus, as many skeletons have been unearthed sans heads.  Curious glyphs on the famous Palette of Narmer (apparently carved by the ancient scribe Steve Narmer also of Hierakonpolis) show stacked headless bodies and zombie-fighting weapons.

Archeological teams on-site are taking steps to train their people in zombie fighting techniques just in case a viable virus is unearthed.  One team member is reportedly eager to start lopping off heads, bringing great comfort to his comrades.  We'll have more information as it develops.

LettersHelpCake

 Zombie Cake!We get plenty of comments from you, our readers, but now we're just blushing at the ovewhelmingly positive communication. 

To celebrate we recently treated our entire support staff to cake (with milk!).  As you can see in the photo of the joyous occasion to the left, the cake was shaped like a little village under attack from gummy zombies.  We think you can see from their expressions that the entire staff was having a great time!

Some of the highlights:

Recently, reader Schimmy147 commented on the usefulness of our RSS Feeds and commenting system and had a very rewarding online conversation with our support staff:

  "I'm very much interested in zombies and zombie-culture... click through just to read this valuable information" and "I think... I... stay interested in... every single word you post here about zombies..."
Zombie enthusiast and religous advocate Vertibird says:
"All hail our new zombie overlords"
Metallurgist and archaeologist Ismellofelderberries wrote:
"You've got a great design..."
Jules raves:

"Adorable! :-)"

And of course we've recieved thousands of emails from our newsletter recipients asking for more information about "unsubscribing".  We've heard you!  We'll soon be sending out a daily newsletter dealing with just this topic!  Thanks again! Now, who wants a piece of cake?

TipsPropagandaMerchandise

Zombie Food PyramidVertibird pointed out this t-shirt design from threadless.com.  Clearly this is poorly thought out.  It is well established that Zombies don't actually need to eat but just have an instinctual need to bite and infect other humans. Thankfully, Threadless has another zombie shirt that is actually useful and informative.

We know some of the "collectors" out there (We're looking at you, Jules) like to treat their captive zombies as some kind of undead Tamagotchi and feed them on a regular basis.  This is really just a messy waste of time and may lead to distended or even ruptured abdomens.  But, hey, if it makes you happy we aren't here to judge.

TipsOpinion

The Zombie Equation

Zombies are a retarded version of the Terminator.  That is what makes them interesting.  It makes zombies an intellectual exercise in survival against the elements.

None of the team here in the spacious IYWAZ tower is a big fan of zombie movies or excessive gore.  Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate some gore if the story warrants it-for example; Robocop needed the excessive blood to set the tone for the over-the-top, comic-book nature of the film.  Saving Private Ryan wouldn't have been as engaging if the first scene featured a GI storming the beach, randomly clutching his chest and lying on his back with his feet in the air.

Continued after the jump 



Video

Like WWII movies, zombie films are a dime-a-dozen.  Everyone is so familiar with the real-life history involved that they practically write themselves. 

 Actual WWII footage suffers from grainy, black-and-white film stock so you rarely see actual footage used anymore.  Zombie films deal with a contemporary crisis and have the advantage of thousands of teams of professional news and amateur photographers.

The 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead is one of the few examples of actual zombie footage used in a fictional zombie movie.  

Some have argued that using this real footage so soon after the real-life events was exploitive, but it got the point across even if the rest of the movie contained common fallacies.

Take a look at the (slightly disturbing) clip of the film's compelling opening above.  Even if you don't like the content, you can't argue with the use of Johnny Cash.

TipsLettersHelpFAQ

  Zombie 

"Evil Girl" asks:

I am afraid that I might have a friend who has been zombie for the last 9 years at least. How long can a zombie survive if given the proper care? Is 9 years reasonable for someone to survive with no soul and no personality? Love the site, I'm finding it very helpful.

We're glad you're finding the site helpful.  You have two questions, first is your friend a zombie.  Sometimes it is obvious as in the picture of the zombie to the left.  Note the pale, greyish-green, speckled skin tone, vacant, unintelligent stare and unnatural hair color. 

Sometimes you have to do some troubleshooting.  Continued after the jump

TipsPropaganda

 "Don" from ZombieRunner.com writes:

Just thought I'd say hello. A friend had sent an e-card to me from your site.

Appropriate, seeing as the store we run :-)

Ok, "Don".  ZombieRunner.com pretends to be a store that sells high-quality merchandise at low, low prices to long distance runners.  However their name shows their real purpose-- spread disinformation about the capabilities of zombies. 

Don't let them win!  Send our zombie tip card to your friends.  Help spread awareness and foil "Don's" transparent plans and misleadingly friendly, sideways smiley face.  Together we can make it through this.  Together, we are strong! 

VideoPolitics

Still not conviced the zombie threat is real? Take a gander at this video of U.S. Representative John Haller (R-PA, 12th District) reading a heavily censored version of House bill HR8791-- the Homeland "Terrorism" Preparedness Bill. 

Although he did his best, just substitute the word "Zombie" for "classified" and the real purpose of this bill will shine through.  At least we know the government is providing contingency plans. [via bluesnews]

Click through to see a transcript.

TipsCards

 It was another hard day of fighting the undead.  Lucky for you we had time to create some more cards while boarding up the windows.  We didn't even lose anyone.  Well, Billy was bitten, but he's just a designer-- I bet we won't be able to tell the difference.

The first is a heartwarming sentimental card pictured on the left.  The second, an important safety tip-- Zombies can't run.

Take a look and send them along

VideoPolitics

Say what you will about the current administration's policies but at least we finally have someone looking out for the common man.

Really, I'm just embarassed by the ignorance of this reporter.  It's obvious that the vast moderate-media conspiracy has a pro-zombie agenda.  First rule of discrediting someone is to pretend they don't make sense.

Wake up America!

VideoPropaganda

We sure have come a long way since the US government produced this film during the post-war epidemic.  Well, maybe we haven't come that far. 

US government policy now is denial and secrecy, but at least they aren't spreading dangerous disinformation anymore.  How many people were lost in the 50's because of misguided zombie hiring programs?

TipsHelpCare

Note: This is the first in a continuing series of helpful tips on keeping zombies at home.  Please read all warnings and consider your options carefully.  Ifyouwereazombie.com does not accept any liability and offers this guide as a public service.  As always, it is best to consult a certified professional.

You're a collector aren't you?  You've got every action figure still in the box.  You had to have that 300th Beanie Baby just to complete the collection.  There's no such thing as too many Star Wars toys.  You have every issue of TV Guide going back to 1973.  You have an obsession to keep things.

Ok.  I don't really understand the compulsion, but I can respect your passion.  If you can't stand the thought of breaking up your family or group of co-workers by pulping their grey matter, your only real option is to confine the thing.  Let's be clear here-- this isn't the person you used to know but if you really can't help  yourself I guess we'll have to help you.  There are plenty of pitfalls, so pay attention.

About

About Ifyouwerazombie.com

Since 1967, Ifyouwereazombie.com has been serving the lucrative online zombie greeting card and personal defense market.  Our group of dedicated professionals have created a vertically-oriented, web 2.0, online application web portal site featuring RSS fed, open-source, virus-free, AJAX technology in a blogging, podcast-capable, advertiser platform network that aggregates search and builds community interaction SQL databases while leveraging the power of the internet to connect users who share photos and video content for download in DRM-free proprietary open-formats in a family-friendly massively multiplayer, instant-messaging mobile ecommerce environment.

FAQ

In addition to having one of the longest URLs on the net, Ifyouwereazombie.com is dedicated to helping you to express yourself and survive the coming catastrophe.  Now, even though we're doing our best to pass along survival tips, let's face it-- the zombie plague is spreading and chances are someone you know will be infected. 

Wouldn't you like to let your loved ones, family members, friends, coworkers and that hot chick you saw in the produce section know how you feel before they start moaning and shuffling?  Once they're a zombie it's too late.  They can't understand you and certainly won't be able to read a card.  Let them know now because once they're a zombie it's too late to say you care. 

Read on to see our Frequently Said Answers to Frequently Asked Questions