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Note: This is the first in a continuing series of helpful tips on keeping zombies at home.  Please read all warnings and consider your options carefully.  Ifyouwereazombie.com does not accept any liability and offers this guide as a public service.  As always, it is best to consult a certified professional.

You're a collector aren't you?  You've got every action figure still in the box.  You had to have that 300th Beanie Baby just to complete the collection.  There's no such thing as too many Star Wars toys.  You have every issue of TV Guide going back to 1973.  You have an obsession to keep things.

Ok.  I don't really understand the compulsion, but I can respect your passion.  If you can't stand the thought of breaking up your family or group of co-workers by pulping their grey matter, your only real option is to confine the thing.  Let's be clear here-- this isn't the person you used to know but if you really can't help  yourself I guess we'll have to help you.  There are plenty of pitfalls, so pay attention.

Can I talk you out of this?  Remember, even though they are slow and uncoordinated, zombies are relentless.  They don't sleep.  They don't give up.  They won't stop.  They will continue to struggle as long as their brain is intact.  Their only goal is to bite and infect the nearest human which, in this case, is you.  Still want to do this? Yes? Alright...

I know that we haven't yet discussed how to actually catch a zombie, but you really need to plan ahead here.  You can't improvise.  Everything must be ready before capture.  Today we're going to discuss the safest option: The Pit

Zombies can't climb.  Zombies  don't jump.  Sure, everyone has seen them scale walls by crawling up the backs of their fallen comrades but that isn't technically climbing.  The pit is probably the safest confinement method but requires more preparation. 

Tests have shown that zombies cannot get out of a smooth-walled pit with vertical angles of at least 120 degrees.  Obviously, steeper angles are better and I personally prefer wall angles of less than 90 degrees but you might need to improvise.  Just like many Navy scuba divers were sacrificed to create the modern dive safety tables, quite a few grad students met their end to provide this data, so take this figure as gospel.  Luckily, grad students are essentially free and their loss only meant more zombies available for government-funded research.  Funny how well these things work out.

You really shouldn't keep more than one zombie in each pit, but if space is a concern use this handy metric for calculating the depth-the pit depth should be at least 1.3 times the total height of the all zombies in the pit. It's hard to get a zombie to stand up straight to be measured, so you might want to play it safe and use a figure of six and a half feet per zombie.  Remember this won't be adequate if you are confining the zombie Lakers so adjust accordingly.  

The key here is to ensure that in the unfortunate event one zombie climbs up the back of another, their combined height is not adequate to reach the rim.

The walls of the pit should be made of a hard material such as concrete, tile or smooth stone.  Zombies have terrible gripping ability, but they will be constantly grabbing at the wall often in the direction of the nearest human.  You want their hands to wear down, not the side of the pit.  Conduct visual inspections on a regular basis.    If it has taken a chunk from the wall, you're going to have to fish him out and make repairs.  If you give it the chance, that zombie will continue to worry away at the surface and dig a slope allowing escape.

Ensure proper drainage!  Zombies won't drown, but particularly ripe ones may have enough gas buildup to float.  If  your pit is outside and fills up during a rainstorm, that zombie is going to float up towards the rim and come scratching at your door.

As a last safety measure, consider placing a heavy grating over the top of the pit to minimize the possibility of escape. 

That's it.  Always remember to check local regulations before starting your collection.  Be sure to check back for the next in the series.