If You Were a Zombie

College teaches skills for dealing with zombies, food-service industry.

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Thu, 27 May 2010 10:00:00 +0100

Think of the United States' best colleges. Harvard, Princeton, College of the Canyons, MIT, Stanford. Wait, what was that middle one? Yes, COC in beautiful Sclarita, California is top of our list for this year's high school graduates. This fine school features concrete, military bunker-ish construction and interior decoration reminiscent of an industrial plant management office. But that's just a fancy bonus. This year, they're offering the class "Zombie Defense 101". Next to typing, we [...]

Animated Zombies are just as dead as the real thing

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Nobody on staff at ifyouwerazombie.com is into award shows. The categories often seem random, the presenters' delivery wooden, and the breathless winners reciting thank-you's to people we don't know is boring. However, after seeing this video by the band "hey Negrita" we've decided to offer our first ever Zommie. And the award for "The most creative use of a microphone stand in an animated British country-rock zombie music video" goes to:

Congratulations, gu [...]

Non-Zombie: Adobe, stop treating your paying customers like criminals

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Excuse the interruption, but I have a small rant to get out of the way. Today, for the sixth time in two years, I found myself reinstalling Adobe's Creative Suite. For those of you more familiar with the finer points of zombie decapitation than pushing pixels, I'll explain.

Adobe Creative Suite is a software package for professional use typically including Photoshop, Illustrator and other software to edit images, manage html code, edit video or create flash animations [...]

New Zombie Card, Dangerous Valentine's Research in Progress

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:00:00 +0100

We need your help. Our researchers in the If You Were a Zombie Psychological Assessment and Relationship Enhancement department need subjects for an upcoming study. We've all heard the saying, "It's the thought that counts" but precious little research has gone into checking its truthiness.

What better time to do a detailed study than Valentine's Day. Yes, the day origi [...]

Nazi Zombie Raptor Outbreak Imminent, Harris K. Telemacher Nowhere in Sight

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 10:00:00 +0100

You may curse the common road worker. They delight in setting up orange cones and slowing our commute. It isn't uncommon to see a dozen surly men and the occasional beautiful woman in classy reflective vests watching with fascination as another worker stands in a hole. Add a supervisor with a clipboard and an over-enthusiastic back-hoe operator and you've go [...]

New Zombie Card, We Do Some Cleanin'

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 10:00:00 +0100

There comes a time in a web site's life when it undergoes certain... changes. The site might notice that pages which were once light and airy have now become cramped and confining. Links which once happily moved the visitor to wonderous new content start to malfunction and ads (which never actually pay off anyway) begin to sprout in t [...]

Forrest Ackerman Dead at 92, Would Have Loved to be a Zombie

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 10:00:00 +0100

Sci-Fi legend, writer, collector, producer, agent and sometime actor Forrest J. Ackerman has died at the ripe old age of 92. Ackerman was not only a fan of Sci-Fi from an early age, he actually created the term Sci-Fi after hearing an ad for a stereo system on the radio.

Ackerman was a founder of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society and was credited with l [...]

This is how the world ends-- not with zombies, but with a Bangalore and a wimper

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Fighting the zombie scourge isn't all guts and glory. Sure, we spend some of our day digging trenches, sharpening crowbars and packing shotgun shells. However, just as important is our work here on the web keeping you informed about the undead menace.

This means part of our day is consumed scouring the web for zombie news, researching our awar [...]

Unload Your Shotguns, Pittsburgh-- It's Just a Zombie Fest

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:00:00 +0100

So, you live in Pittsburgh and notice zombies moaning around the neighborhood. Before you start shooting the undead, what should you do? Besides asking, "Why do I live in Pittsburgh?" you should also check your calendar.

Yes, that's right. It's time for another ill-conceived "charity" event glorifying the end of li [...]

Breaking News! Rumor! New Apple tablet patent shows product marketed for Zombie ergonomics? OMFSJ!!

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 06:00:00 +0100

OhBoyOhBoyOhBoyOhboy OMGOMFGHFMGFLAZAGMA! *gasp* Once we saw this image from a recent patent filing by Apple we had to run all the way across the IYWAZ compound to post this so we could be one of the first to spread an unconfirmed rumor about a brand new Apple Tablet and oh are we excited because as you can s [...]

We Get Letters... Zombies, eh. Take off, hoser.

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:00:00 +0100

CSCTUTOTLI co-President Tyler McDougall writes:

Our people here in the zombie wing at the Canadian Society Counteracting The Unfair Treatment Of The Living Impaired (CSCTUTOTLI) believe that your site is outrageously prejudiced. Zombies are people too and should not be judged [...]

Zombie Microbe Colonies Thrive in Ocean, Don't Get Much Work Done

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:00:00 +0100

For years, researchers have known about Archaea -- single-celled organisms genetically distinct from eukaryotes that thrive in the most inhospitable locations of the deep ocean. Now, scientists from Penn State have discovered zombie archaea who use such small amounts of energy that they may as well be undead.

While the av [...]

Zombie Children-- Big Fans of Turtles

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 06:00:00 +0100

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Well, what's not to like? .

Zombie Medusa Mashup Totally Not Against Your CC&Rs

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 06:00:00 +0100

You know that old lady down the street? Yes, the one with garden gnomes, fountains, grecian columns, wagons turned planters and a big-ass, patriotic flag filling her front yard. Well, nothing is more fun than trying to one-up the neighbors and here's your chance.

British artist Alan Dickinson has created th [...]

Zombie Art or Zombie Artpocalypse?

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0100

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There it is. The trailer for the upcoming animated zombie feature, Dear Beautiful from filmmaker Roland Becerra. The incorrect grammar in the titles isn't encouraging but the guy's an artist, not a dictionary.

Based on the film festival short, the feature version of Dear Beautiful will have the same Max Payne style animation while expanding the story a bit:

The sudden appearance of exotic flowers in New Haven spawns an unprecedented [...]

Zombie Caterpillars Conclusively Continue Care for Cocooned Killers

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:00:00 +0100

Remember those Alien movies? The Alien would lay it's eggs in the warm, nourishing belly of unsuspecting humans where they would hatch, eat their way out and chase Sigourney Weaver through progressively worse screenplays. You probably already know that this behavior (the egg-laying, not the Sigourney-chasing) was inspired by a real-life breed of w [...]

Zombie Consumerism-- Can You Believe This Shirt?

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Thu, 29 May 2008 10:00:00 +0100

Just a reminder: Father's Day is coming and what Dad doesn't enjoy clothing that does the talking for him? Why bother communicating verbally when you can just point at your shirt, watch someone's lips silently move, the gears turn in their brain and a smile slowly form on their face. Today we feature our message t-shirt from t [...]

New Zombie Card-- Helpful Tip and Friendly Encouragement

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Wed, 28 May 2008 06:00:00 +0100

Hypothetical: You've just had a fight with your girlfriend and want to send her a card to brighten her day. Should it be informative, life-saving advice or should it provide nurturing encouragement to help patch up your relationship? Why not send one card that does both?

< [...]

We Get Letters... Zombies, Hate, and World Peace

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Tue, 27 May 2008 10:00:00 +0100

Reader N8 writes:

well im not clever enough to actually make the cards but i think you are missing out on a hugh part of the Zombie card industry, you havent included any "im glad your a zombie" cards. like "i would be happy to kill you" or " i cant wait to run a spike threw your heart& [...]

Zombie Consumerism-- we got mugged

comments@ifyouwereazombie.com — Mon, 26 May 2008 10:00:00 +0100

For years the only way to buy genuine IYWAZ merchandise was by physically going to our If You Were a Zombie Visitor Center Gift Shop. Now, just in time for Father's Day, you can help support this site by purchasing high-quality merchandise at low, low prices in our online store. Today we highlight our ceramic mug:

Do you drink liquids or know someone who does? You [...]