Zombies. They're a pain. They're annoying. They aren't going away anytime soon. It's a sad truth-- the epidemic is spreading. Chances are someone you care about will become a zombie.

Tell them how you feel BEFORE they start moaning and shuffling, with our convenient zombie greeting cards. Let them know that if you see their zombified corpse, you'll feel bad when you put a slug through their brainpan.

Because, once they're a zombie, it's too late to say you care... Send a Zombie Card

Zombie Cards, Zombie News, Zombie Blog

Tag >> Letters

The Canadian Zombie Conspiracy CSCTUTOTLI co-President  Tyler McDougall writes:

Our people here in the zombie wing at the Canadian Society Counteracting The Unfair Treatment Of The Living Impaired (CSCTUTOTLI) believe that your site is outrageously prejudiced. Zombies are people too and should not be judged by the few of their kind that are actually bad or the stereotypes depicted by television and movies. Most zombies are actually good samaritans and kind people. People like you judge them because they're different. We believe it is because you are jealous that they have been given a second chance at life. Your website is disgraceful and offensive to all of zombie kind and you should learn to get to know a zombie. Most of them are friendly and it may change your opinion about them. In the future, could you please be more considerate and get all the facts before you judge the living impaired. That includes ghosts and vampires too.

Can you see the obvious flaw in his argument?  That's right, he's Canadian.  Never in recorded history has any nation been more evil, more sinister and more confusingly objectionable than the frigid land of Canada. 

Oh, sure, they seem nice.  When you meet a Canadian you are always surprised at how "polite" and "genuine" they act, but this is simply a well-orchestrated cover for their real intentions.  Quick, name a major economic export from Canada.  Nope, snow, bad entertainers and stanky beer don't count. 

As a matter of fact, our researchers in the World Economic Studies Department of IfYouWereAZombie.com (WESDIYWAZ) have been studying this anomaly for quite some time.  It turns out that Canada contributes nothing to the world economy, has no industry to speak of, few natural resources and no sense of humor.

 Everybody knows that most zombies freeze solid every winter and we've all seen the hilarious YouTube videos of uncoordinated zombies attempting to walk on icy sidewalks.  With average temperatures of -120F and six-foot snowdrifts covering the ground 11 months of the year, Canada will never be threatened by a zombie epidemic.

Our investigations show the Canadian government has been serving as the power broker behind Zombie rights organizations such as People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies (PETZ), Zombies are People (ZAP) and now the CSCTUTOTLI.  The Canadian government and its people have been spreading these lies hoping to extend the impact of the Zombie epidemic in the civilized, warm parts of the planet.   Once we've all been eliminated by the zombie horde (and those zombies have been given several years to deteriorate), Canadians will move in, sweep up the mess and finally achieve their long-standing dream of world domination.

We're on to you Tyler. .

 Reader N8 writes:

well im not clever enough to actually make the cards but i think you are missing out on a hugh part of the Zombie card industry, you havent included any "im glad your a zombie" cards.   like "i would be happy to kill you"    or   " i cant wait to run a spike threw your heart"     im thinking a whole line of cards to send to your Ex-wife.  

This reminds me of something Mom used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, for God's sake don't write it down and leave a paper trail that THEY can follow."  Leaving aside Mom's troubles with "The Man", our market-research has determined that people don't want more hateful web sites and are looking for ways to spread joy and understanding. 

Just think if our world leaders used IfYouWereAZombie.com to send along a little note to each other.  (We have noticed an increase in cards being sent from the whitehouse.gov domain recently, so we have our fingers crossed) Our cards will continue to  be helpful, optimistic  and cheerful to help you maintain productive relationships while fighting the zombie scourge.  Besides, if your ex becomes a zombie, you've already won.  And one thing we've learned, N8, winning is important.  Thanks for reading. .


   Reader Tishia writes,  
 "All I can say is, "It's about friggin' time! The site is well designed, clever, funny as hell, and has great content!  Overall, well organized! But...  The ECards!! There needs to be more!" 

Well, what can we say.  We're blushing from praise while we beat ourselves up in a mildly disturbing reenactment of scenes from Fight Club.  Here's the problem: all of us at IYWAZ spend our days digging entrenchments, building barricades and shopping for armageddon-size 30 gallon jugs of mustard from Costco.  Once all this grunt work is done there's little time left to create new cards.

So, we need your help.  If you have a clever idea or, even better, some Photoshop chops send along your ideas.  If we like them, we'll put them up along with a credit/link to your site.  If we don't like them we'll either taunt you mercilessly or even worse, ignore you completely.  Either way, it's a win for us. 

Here are some guidelines:

  1. Cards must be 500 pixels by 348 pixels
  2. If your card meets our high standards (and if we bother to check the mail) your card will be proudly displayed and available for others to send.
  3. Keep in mind the tone we want.  Cards should be sappy and earnest or informative.  We want to help people get through this crisis and make them feel better about their impending doom.
  4. You won't recieve any compensation other than our sincere thanks, the satisfaction of a job well done, and the inclusion of your name and web site URL on the card.
  5. You must have the legal right to distribute any artwork in the card in ecard format. Please note that most stock illustrations and photo agreements prohibit distribution in ecard format.
  6. By submitting a card you acknowledge that you have given ifyouwereazombie.com the right to use the image on the website, in promotional materials and other mediums as we see fit. (We aren't total jerks though. If we use your card to create merchandise you will be compensated in a manner that ifyouwerazombie.com determines is fair. That means if we make any profit on your work, you'll get some type of compensation. Honestly though, only about 20 people will ever see this site so don't start buying materials for that zombie-proof bunker just yet...)

 Zombie Cake!We get plenty of comments from you, our readers, but now we're just blushing at the ovewhelmingly positive communication. 

To celebrate we recently treated our entire support staff to cake (with milk!).  As you can see in the photo of the joyous occasion to the left, the cake was shaped like a little village under attack from gummy zombies.  We think you can see from their expressions that the entire staff was having a great time!

Some of the highlights:

Recently, reader Schimmy147 commented on the usefulness of our RSS Feeds and commenting system and had a very rewarding online conversation with our support staff:

  "I'm very much interested in zombies and zombie-culture... click through just to read this valuable information" and "I think... I... stay interested in... every single word you post here about zombies..."

Zombie enthusiast and religous advocate Vertibird says:

"All hail our new zombie overlords"

Metallurgist and archaeologist Ismellofelderberries wrote:

"You've got a great design..."

Jules raves:

"Adorable! :-)"

And of course we've recieved thousands of emails from our newsletter recipients asking for more information about "unsubscribing".  We've heard you!  We'll soon be sending out a daily newsletter dealing with just this topic!  Thanks again! Now, who wants a piece of cake?


"Evil Girl" asks:

I am afraid that I might have a friend who has been zombie for the last 9 years at least. How long can a zombie survive if given the proper care? Is 9 years reasonable for someone to survive with no soul and no personality? Love the site, I'm finding it very helpful.

We're glad you're finding the site helpful.  You have two questions, first is your friend a zombie.  Sometimes it is obvious as in the picture of the zombie to the left.  Note the pale, greyish-green, speckled skin tone, vacant, unintelligent stare and unnatural hair color. 

Sometimes you have to do some troubleshooting.  Continued after the jump