What to do? Read our blog.

In addition to having one of the longest URLs on the net, Ifyouwereazombie.com is dedicated to helping you to express yourself and survive the coming catastrophe.  Now, even though we're doing our best to pass along survival tips, let's face it-- the zombie plague is spreading and chances are someone you know will be infected. 

Wouldn't you like to let your loved ones, family members, friends, coworkers and that hot chick you saw in the produce section know how you feel before they start moaning and shuffling?  Once they're a zombie it's too late.  They can't understand you and certainly won't be able to read a card.  Let them know now because once they're a zombie it's too late to say you care. 

Read on to see our Frequently Said Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

Oh, hey, that's great.  You guys are doing a nice thi-wait a minute... Zombies?  What?

Yes. Zombies.  If you haven't noticed yet, take a look around.  The virus is spreading.  Whole cities are being lost.  Mankind may be doomed.  You need to take action now.

Yes, but zombies?

That's right.  The whole foot-shuffling, moaning, undead, brain-eating shtick.  It's real.  It's happening.  It's spreading.

Alright I'll assume zombies are real.  I'm supposed to send them a card?

No, that's ridiculous. Zombies can't read, can't operate a mouse and are horrible typists.  You need to send a card to other people before they become a zombie.  This is your chance to let them know that you'll feel bad when you have to smash their skull with a crowbar.

That sounds too violent.  You want me to smash my friend's skull?

No!  Do not hit anyone with a crowbar.  We do not advocate violence against humans, only bona fide zombies.

My brother shuffles around, smells bad, and when he talks I can't always understand him.  Is he a zombie?

Maybe.  But you really need to be sure.  We'll be outlining some signs in the blog, but if you don't know, here are some possible symptoms:

Symptom:  He was recently dead.

Disclaimer:  People only become zombies after they die.  If he was definitely dead for about 10-20 hours and then started walking around this might be a strong indicator.  However, there have been some pretty well-known historical cases of people rising from the dead so this isn't a sure thing.

 

Symptom:  He has large areas of decaying flesh or open wounds.  Wounds may be oozing a thick black substance instead of blood.

Disclaimer:  Some people have horrible hygiene.  What looks like decaying flesh may just be dirt or old food. Honestly, we've known some people who think spraying their clothes with Fabreze every few days is a substitute for a shower (with soap!).

 

Symptom:  You just saw him lose a limb or half of his torso and it doesn't seem to bother him.

Disclaimer:  Don't run around calling disabled vets zombies.  We aren't talking about genetic or surgical disabilities.  Zombies can be typically ripped in half and continue to drag themselves along with their remaining limbs as if nothing happened.  They don't feel pain and don't bleed.

 

Symptom: He no longer can display rational thought and does not respond to any type of communication.

Disclaimer:  This applies to most people at some point, so it might be safer to ignore this symptom for now.

 

Symptom:  He has a need to feed on your flesh.

Disclaimer:  This is a tough one to justify for anyone.  If he isn't a zombie, you might want to just stay away and call the authorities.

 

Ultimate Disclaimer:  We think we have a group of zombies locked in a conference room, but the only real symptoms we can see are that they are unintelligible, irrational and the short one smells like old socks and cat pee.  They swear they are just our legal team, but we really can't be sure.  In any case, you look like an exceptionally intelligent, compassionate and responsible group of people.  Especially you.  Yeah, the one reading this right now. Yes, you, that's right.  Hi.  You understand that we are not responsible for your actions because, as I just said, you are an exceptionally intelligent, compassionate, responsible and (I'm just talking about you here) very good looking individual.  You won't go around threatening anyone who isn't an actual zombie, because that just isn't who you are. You're not "that guy."  You don't roll that way.  Good for you.  Thanks.  Glad you're on our side... for now anyway.  Wait!  What's that behind you! Oh, never mind.  It was nothing.  Probably.

That answer was long.

That wasn't a question.

Zombies are people too.  Why should we kill them?

You're one of those nutty activists, aren't you?  There are a couple misguided groups out there such as Zombies Are People (ZAP) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies (PETZ).  While their hearts are in the right place their actions are dangerous.  Zombies are not people.  They have no cognitive functions.  They are not alive.  They will never be a person again.  Their only motivation is the programmed need to bite and infect other people.  Many of these groups have attempted therapy for "life-deprived humans" resulting only in more zombies.  Have you noticed how many zombies are wearing ZAP t-shirts?

So, is this a movie or book tie-in or something?  Are you getting cash for this?

No, this is not a promotional site. Hollywood rarely gets the zombie thing correct and we'd be ashamed to be affiliated with any movie unless they paid us.  Have you ever noticed how money helps eliminate shame?  Seriously.  We're totally ready to sell out to the highest bidder.

How come I don't hear about the "Zombie Epidemic" on TV, radio or in the newspaper?

Vast moderate-media conspiracy.  If we could just get some liberals or conservatives in the media things might start to happen.  Sadly, that's not the world we live in.

What can I do?

Tell your friends.  Send them a card.  Click on an ad to support this site.  Tell us your story.  Together, we'll make it through this more or less intact.  Well, except for you sitting in the Aeron chair-you're a goner.