Frequently Asked Questions

In addition to having one of the longest URLs on the net, Ifyouwereazombie.com is dedicated to helping you to express yourself and survive the coming catastrophe.  Now, even though we're doing our best to pass along survival tips, let's face it-- the zombie plague is spreading and chances are someone you know will be infected. 

Wouldn't you like to let your loved ones, family members, friends, coworkers and that hot chick you saw in the produce section know how you feel before they start moaning and shuffling?  Once they're a zombie it's too late.  They can't understand you and certainly won't be able to read a card.  Let them know now because once they're a zombie it's too late to say you care. 

Read on to see our Frequently Said Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

Oh, hey, that's great.  You guys are doing a nice thi-wait a minute... Zombies?  What?

Yes. Zombies.  If you haven't noticed yet, take a look around.  The virus is spreading.  Whole cities are being lost.  Mankind may be doomed.  You need to take action now.

 

Yes, but zombies?

That's right.  The whole foot-shuffling, moaning, undead, brain-eating shtick.  It's real.  It's happening.  It's spreading.

 

Alright I'll assume zombies are real.  I'm supposed to send them a card?

No, that's ridiculous. Zombies can't read, can't operate a mouse and are horrible typists.  You need to send a card to other people before they become a zombie.  This is your chance to let them know that you'll feel bad when you have to smash their skull with a crowbar.

 

That sounds too violent.  You want me to smash my friend's skull?

No!  Do not hit anyone with a crowbar.  We do not advocate violence against humans, only bona fide zombies.

 

My brother shuffles around, smells bad, and when he talks I can't always understand him.  Is he a zombie?

Maybe.  But you really need to be sure.  We'll be outlining some signs in the blog, but if you don't know, here are some possible symptoms:

Symptom:  He was recently dead.

Disclaimer:  People only become zombies after they die.  If he was definitely dead for about 10-20 hours and then started walking around this might be a strong indicator.  However, there have been some pretty well-known historical cases of people rising from the dead so this isn't a sure thing.

 

Symptom:  He has large areas of decaying flesh or open wounds.  Wounds may be oozing a thick black substance instead of blood.

Disclaimer:  Some people have horrible hygiene.  What looks like decaying flesh may just be dirt or old food. Honestly, we've known some people who think spraying their clothes with Fabreze every few days is a substitute for a shower (with soap!).

 

Symptom:  You just saw him lose a limb or half of his torso and it doesn't seem to bother him.

Disclaimer:  Don't run around calling disabled vets zombies.  We aren't talking about genetic or surgical disabilities.  Zombies can be typically ripped in half and continue to drag themselves along with their remaining limbs as if nothing happened.  They don't feel pain and don't bleed.

 

Symptom: He no longer can display rational thought and does not respond to any type of communication.

Disclaimer:  This applies to most people at some point, so it might be safer to ignore this symptom for now.

 

Symptom:  He has a need to feed on your flesh.

Disclaimer:  This is a tough one to justify for anyone.  If he isn't a zombie, you might want to just stay away and call the authorities.

 

Ultimate Disclaimer:  We think we have a group of zombies locked in a conference room, but the only real symptoms we can see are that they are unintelligible, irrational and the short one smells like old socks and cat pee.  They swear they are just our legal team, but we really can't be sure.  In any case, you look like an exceptionally intelligent, compassionate and responsible group of people.  Especially you.  Yeah, the one reading this right now. Yes, you, that's right.  Hi.  You understand that we are not responsible for your actions because, as I just said, you are an exceptionally intelligent, compassionate, responsible and (I'm just talking about you here) very good looking individual.  You won't go around threatening anyone who isn't an actual zombie, because that just isn't who you are. You're not "that guy."  You don't roll that way.  Good for you.  Thanks.  Glad you're on our side... for now anyway.  Wait!  What's that behind you! Oh, never mind.  It was nothing.  Probably.

 

That answer was long.

That wasn't a question.

 

Zombies are people too.  Why should we kill them?

You're one of those nutty activists, aren't you?  There are a couple misguided groups out there such as Zombies Are People (ZAP) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies (PETZ).  While their hearts are in the right place their actions are dangerous.  Zombies are not people.  They have no cognitive functions.  They are not alive.  They will never be a person again.  Their only motivation is the programmed need to bite and infect other people.  Many of these groups have attempted therapy for "life-deprived humans" resulting only in more zombies.  Have you noticed how many zombies are wearing ZAP t-shirts?

 

So, is this a movie or book tie-in or something?  Are you getting cash for this?

No, this is not a promotional site. Hollywood rarely gets the zombie thing correct and we'd be ashamed to be affiliated with any movie unless they paid us.  Have you ever noticed how money helps eliminate shame?  Seriously.  We're totally ready to sell out to the highest bidder.

 

How come I don't hear about the "Zombie Epidemic" on TV, radio or in the newspaper?

Vast moderate-media conspiracy.  If we could just get some liberals or conservatives in the media things might start to happen.  Sadly, that's not the world we live in.

 

What can I do?

Tell your friends.  Send them a card.  Click on an ad to support this site.  Tell us your story.  Together, we'll make it through this more or less intact.  Well, except for you sitting in the Aeron chair-you're a goner. 

Comments (49) Add Comment
Vampire Slayer

Are you a born again zombie?! (yes, that makes sense!)


Evil Girl

I am afraid that I might have a friend who has been zombie for the last 9 years at least. How long can a zombie survive if given the proper care? Is 9 years reasonable for someone to survive with no soul and no personality? Love the site, I'm finding it very helpful.


jb666

I'm afraid that I may have been a zombie for almost 12 years. I woke up one morning and ate my cat.


brainssssss

Send me brains.......me hungry...............what me worry??????? HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
PPPPPPPPMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Beth

Zombies are running rampant in Illinois!


Jonathan Hoyle

I'm worried that I may already be a zombie. I work in a cubicle, walk around in a daze most of the time, and find myself grunting at meetings. Although I don't yet hunger for human flesh, my coworkers and I descend upon free donuts in quite a ghoulish manner. And I couldn't swear that those cafeteria hot dogs are 100% brains-free.


MousieEatCheese

Can being a zombie be considered a career choice?

I ask because they sound like simple office workers. Them ripping humans apart and eating the brians is most likely how they relieve stress, because well human office workers tend to put their tie on their forhead and get drunk, and so instead of getting drunk off of alcohol, they rather have the safer drink......blood, and sense most zombies dont wear ties, then they just wear other peoples brains and organs all over them.

And yeah I do think zombies get a lot of stress, having various people trying to stab various objects in to your head, must be really annoying, plus some try to set them on fire, or even keep them as pets? They sounds like a rough day of work.


sharona

Do zombies poop? like i dont know if im constipated or like.. just a zombie. i havent gone since that time i ate a bunch of gravy and prunes. appreciate it if someone got back to this for me . thanks XxXxXx


anna

i wish i was a ZOMBIE


Candie =]

Lovin' this FAQ.
Its been a big help in defending my small town, but do you have any specific adivice for defense against the ultra stupid and utterly terrifying hillbilly redneck zombie?


ben

good to see other people fighting the good fight, now get out there and bust some skulls!


Joseph The Zombie Hunter

DONT LIGHT ZOMBIES ON FIRE IT MAKES THEM HARDER TO KILL!!!!!.....plus id rather but 2 9MM bullets in there head and get it over with....or 1 bullet with my SKS 45......i dont know....crowbar to the temple maybe...


Inq

Keeping New York zombie free since 1991.


Destroyer

NO ROTTEN SMELLING UGLY ZOMBIE IS GOING TO GET ME!!!!!! ME THE DESTROYER!!!! YEAHHH!!!! *hheeee-hmmm* Sorry


wannabe zombie slayer

how do you become a zombie slayer


A.zombie

BRAAINS


Zombenator

ppl cant be a zombie because zombies cant read so how you actuly fill in the ReCAPTCHA code and this FAQ makes zombies a little real xD


chris

uh one of them bit me and ran off i know i should have turned into one by now...is this bad?



Cammmmm

What do you tell someone who wishes to be a zombie?


Bob The Beefy Builder

Actually, zombies at my family. But because of the smell coming off of me, they backed away! Apparently they have sensitive noses.

WE HAVE FOUND A REPELLENT!!

too bad it repels not only zombies, but everything and one else, too. awwww...


danny

lmao


Arielle

My LP collection is not a proper method of zombie defense. When you thrown them, they sometimes get lodged in the decaying fleshyparts, but they never take the head clean off. Even worse, they'll warp.

I suppose I could play the Duran Duran LP I accidentally have for no reason other than to accidentally have it. That might do the trick.


Arielle

My LP collection is not a proper method of zombie defense. When you thrown them, they sometimes get lodged in the decaying fleshyparts, but they never take the head clean off. Even worse, they'll warp.

I suppose I could play the Duran Duran LP I accidentally have for no reason other than to accidentally have it. That might do the trick.


anonamous

dude i think the people on the internet might be zombiez because they type like "hhuyguhfkdbhjsfigbyuhdisbjfkdsui" all the time


Aldrin

Armstrong is correct.


Collins

Aldrin, Armstrong: what did you expect to find here? Why so dissapointed? Sure, it isn't the moon, but it made me chuckle.


Emil

Why do we have to kill the zombies while they are people? because we people don't want to be dead, so be a LEGEND!


Brickyman

BLoody zombies....

I just slugged one and it's head rollled. XD


The PETZ team

I see you mentioned us in your writeup... perhaps you'd like to send a link our way as well so people can compare and evaluate your claims against ours...

http://joinpetz.org/

Thanks!


ciara

why do zombies always hav ripped clothes???


Madison

i blame zombies for the bad economy. maybe the president is a zombie. you know the words down there that i have to type to see if i'm human? that is typical zombie writing, because zombies write squiggley like that. i know. i am one. *clears throught* BBBBBBBBBRRRRAAAAAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSSSSS


nazo

can you tame a zombie? please awnser my question


Zombiekiller

No you can't tame zombies. They have absolutely no thought process and are driven solely by instinct. Sadly the only thing that instinct does is drive them to infest on living beings, preferably human. The have no emotions and feel no pain or satisfaction from anything so taming them would be completely impossible.


chicago ted

no zombie is safe from chicago ted...


leader of zwtp (zombie war pervention team)

What if zombies were able to keep thier intelligence,what would u do?


Zombie Raccoon :D

brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrrrraaaaiiiiinnnnnssss


Lulz.

@chicago Ted
I once saw it happen in 5 min!!!



cake-error

Ah, zombies. Fortunately I've never met one. I still get nightmares about zombies coming in my room to eat me. Sometimes the zombies get replaced with aliens. Or robots.


rac

O_o holy cr**


Trying to survive

How long will a zombie "survive" before it is so rotten that it will just be a pile of bones ? not taking in to account variations i climate


Ethan

How do I know if I have become a zombie?
I think I may have, but I'm not sure.
I have joined a roving group of zombies just in case, but I'm not sure that I am sharing the same motives with my fellows.
For example:
At the moment we are laying siege to a mall that some regular humans have locked themselves into. Our leader Tom has established contact with the humans and is assuring them that although we are after their brains, we won't eat their eyes.

But I want to eat their eyes! Now I am afraid that if I do, I may no longer be welcome amongst these who I have come to love.


kathyblue

It's just another ZombieMonday...ay...ay...


Crystal the ninja

Well Ethan next time to you can ask Tom if you can eat there eyes now go out there and be a zombie!


anonomys

i think my mates a zombie he just ate my leg...


Ken Zombie, DDS

Hi gang,

I am a general,and family dentist, and think it is about time we promoted good Zombie Dental Hygiene for our loved ones who had turned during the apocalypse.

Make sure they floss after every meal with pipe cleaners. Yes, flesh gets trapped everywhere, and spewing, black bile leaves a thick, sticky coating. If you can't get them to hold still, flush out the remaining chunks with Listerine Total Care in a spray bottle. Don't worry if fluids drain out from the perforations in their cheeks. Using a denture brush, scrub the remaining black bile film away using circular motions. Get them to smile again, since Zombie self-image is very important when they are surrounding new prey. Before being eaten, folks will happily compliment your family for having such attractive smiles even when undead.

The strongest hard tissue in the body is our teeth, so we must keep them as long as possible even in the afterlife. Also, do not forget getting your loved ones to visit the dentist at least every 3 months. Make sure they are well fed before seeing the dental hygienist. One of my staff members became a happy meal last month after asking her patient to open wide for her intra oral camera. At least She spotted 3 fractured molars before she was completely consumed at the chairside. Now I have to hire a new hygienist for my office. Sheesh! If your lil ones are good, and do not bite, we offer them dried cadaver fingers in the toys basket. They just love chomping down after seeing the Dentist.

Stay tuned for more important tips for good Zombie Dental Hygiene..

Sincerely,

Ken Zombie, DDS


Jojo

Zombies do not eat brains...they can't even get to them. Skulls are hard and a human hand or jaw could not break through. The only way a zombie would eat a brain would be if the skull had been already cracked open by some other terrible accident... And zombies don't eat dead people...so. Sound like ya got some seance people


Tank

I was wondering if how many shs to the head it would take to kill a zombie with a machine gun?


Tank

Somebody help me sh@& BAGS are constantly coming HELP! NO! BBBBBRRRRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!!!???!!


brittney

well i think people are a little dumb because zombies can not tip at all



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