We's all gonna die!!

Still not conviced the zombie threat is real? Take a gander at this video of U.S. Representative John Haller (R-PA, 12th District) reading a heavily censored version of House bill HR8791-- the Homeland "Terrorism" Preparedness Bill. 

Although he did his best, just substitute the word "Zombie" for "classified" and the real purpose of this bill will shine through.  At least we know the government is providing contingency plans. [via bluesnews]

Click through to see a transcript.

Transcript:

Congress shall now vote for approval of HR 8791 Homeland Terrorism Preparedness bill, err, said bill requests emergency response funding up to and including, I'm sorry this section is CLASSIFIED er, dollars to prepare for national level terrorist attack and or attack from CLASSIFIED.

Funding for first responding personnel and vehicles would be doubled if said attack leads to more than 80% of national population being affected by CLASSIFIED.

This funding shall commence in conjunction with the first attack on erm, CLASSIFIED or the first large scale outbreak of CLASSIFIED depending upon which comes first.

Civilian and military units shall be trained in containment and combat of CLASSIFIED including irradiated CLASSIFIED with possibility of CLASSIFIED airborne CLASSIFIED flesh-eating CLASSIFIED and/or all of the above in such event as CLASSIFIED viewing CLASSIFIED escape are released or otherwise become uncontrollable.

Air Force units my also be directed to combat said CLASSIFIED due to their enormous size and other-worldly strengths, should event occur in urban areas, Jesus, thats CLASSIFIED, far surpassing our darkest nightmares should casualties exceed CLASSIFIED body disposal actions shall be halted and associated resources shall be re-allocated to CLASSIFIED underground CLASSIFIED protected birthing centers er... New Bill of Rights shall be drafted and approved by CLASSIFIED.

Having now reviewed the bill I ask you to now please cast your votes.

Comments (24) Add Comment
ubergeek

If they were threatening a REAL zombie emergency, and we had America's full support, they would easily be overpowered. Either way that's a HUGE, as in GIGANTIC, OBESE, GARGANTUAN, 'if'. Are you willing to spend, what is it now?, around 500 billion dollars? trying to prevent something that unlikely, and even less likely to harm us?

Oh, and EVERY zombie is a threat, should we go to war with every zombie to prevent them from developing angst against us in the future?


MN101

Im not trying to make trouble, but why shouldn't we consider them a threat? They do have a pretty crazy taste for brains. And in the future they may develop angst against the US, just sayin'.


jules

I wrote to him to let him know i don't lilke where this is going!! They arn't a threat!!! i showed this video to stubby and i don't think he liked it!!!! We should all let him know what we thing!! LOL! :-)


mal23

Yep, those peace loving zombies. No threat at all. Nothing to see here. Move along.


tehbest

First Post!


vicidis

@tehbest,

Fail!


Bartlebee

Thats it, Canada here I come!


mal23

Moving to Canada won't help if we have a zombie infestation.


fs23d

Why are we worrying about this? If this were important, we'd hear about it on TV. What's important is Ellen has given away her dogs. You have to keep focus, folks.


Makkis

fs23d do you realy believe that important things will be on TV? Wake up!!! Peace


jb666

The zombies are a threat, haven't you seen Dawn Of The Dead. You're all idiots


Jess

This is an Onion video, it's not a real bill.


mal23

Sure, "Jess". Are you part of a deliberate government disinformation campaign? Are you denying the zombie threat? I suppose you missed the following hearing on "America's Wild Goats-- a Disappearing Nuisance"? Are you denying our wild goat problem also?


vicidis

@Jess,

Thanks for pointing that out. EVERYONE else who watched the video TOTALLY missed that they were watching *Onion Span*. THANKS GOD, people like you are around to help out all the dumb people :-). Play along. Its more fun. AAAAAAAA ZOMBIES ARE COMING!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!


jmann

watch 28 weeks later that explains alot....you will be surprised if you listen to this then watch 28 weeks later


david

It would seem to me to be a bill against NBC attack on american soil. NBC = NUCLEAR< BIOLOGICAL< CHEMICAL attack. the result would require containment, suppression of spread, clean-up And, the bill seems to touch on elimination of any "infiltration" at any level, of our governing system. Death on a massive scale could result from said attacks and so the aforementioned CLEAN-UP would be required in order to further suppress the spread of disease. But, if the mass of deaths is too great the efforts for clean-up would be halted, and a need for the survivors to evactuate underground would be most likely. The Underground facilities would be relatively safe from radiation, viral, and bacterial contamination.

This is only a GUESS at what this bill is about. So dont take my word on this.


John Martin

That video is from "The Onion". a fake news source that did that for laughs. Find it on their website.


josh

i saw on the news a zombie outbreak happened in russia last week on april 26th


Carlos

I can't know if zombies are real or not, it's an urban legend and a damn rapid spreading one at that. 6 out of 10 urban legends are scientifically well founded. Up to this time, scientificallyiologically there are several plausible theories and scenarios to explain the process of a possible zombie outbreak. All I'm saying is, if anybody is gonna dismiss a scientific possibility of this type of viral infection(reanimation or just a bizarre disease) they're no more open minded than the Spanish inquisition back in the day. As of now, there are to few and frail solid arguments to counter scientific scenarios, mostly founded on skepticism (religion is vague and diverse). And just as a note, political or biological threats are always covered up or engineered to contain panic. It's been like that with wars(showing up on the news long after the information could cause political damage) small scale 3rd world genocides and so on.


Cuelex

MFZAR!!!!!! I am leaving tonight at 6:00 to go to Mercy Hospital (cause for some reason its always better to travel at night when there is a zombie outbreak, or so it shows in movies). I have a party of 3, looking for one more. Need an older guy, in his 30s that hates lots of things, especially vans and police. We are traveling by sewers. Gonna hit this Left 4 Dead style! Bring your own pills, don’t think there are going to be any along the way.

So, if there is a zombie outbreak, I got my gun (until ammo runs out), a weedeater (until it runs out of gas), and got a board with a nail on the end of it. I am good for a little while. Come get me!



JohnP

ok i really didnt like the part about re doing the bill of rights!WTF.Are they gonna give Z s rights?!?Will they be able to vote after this?!?!Will YOU have a zombie reprisentitive??/Dont vote for FIDO, what about illegal alien zombies?? Will they get to vote, most dont have id s any more.This will end bad,very bad,.


Forex101

OK... Some say it's a hoax others say it's not! Well just for the hell of it I took the time to try and find this "Hoax" on Onion news... I punched in "Homeland Terrorism Preparedness bill" in the Onion browser and this is what it gave me..."Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse" This is the ONLY INFO ON ONION!!! I typed in HR8791 and came back "Sorry no results for HR8791. So... U decide ;)


Perry66ss

That's all well and good,but what about zombie rights?all we ask is one brain a day from the upper class of intellectuals and academics of the world.End zombie ignorance today!!!


MajorPain

As A Retired High - Ranking Officer, with close-ties to various US Federal Agencies, I am placing ALL of You on the Wikileaks Terrorist List.

This is Classified Information.

BTW, Just For The Record. I may have sworn to protect all of You (in spite of your treacherous ways). However, if Those Zombies begin chasing us, I am tripping You as I keep running (Just saying.......)

Semper Fi,
"Major Pain"



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